Its 1.14 am on the January 11 2013 and I can’t sleep. The reason why I’m specifying the date and time of this post so explicitly is because this post runs the risk of never seeing publication, or even completion. I’ve read somewhere that bright lights (like the one emitted by my mac as I am typing) affects melatonin production, and that affects sleep. And I guess this doesn’t help with the insomnia, but I’ve lost my ability to write with a pen and paper. 21st century problems. I digress.
Before I resume, I must warn readers that this is a rather heavy post, coming from a rather heavy, and sleep deprived heart. But it means alot to me if you read it (in the event it does get published). So here goes.
Knowing that this is the year I’m going to be 18 is tough. Apart from the fact that I, as well as western media, has convinced myself that this is usually the age I look taller, and that I’ll rock a leather jacket. So far, neither has come to fruition. This worries me a bit. When I hit 16 I had already given up hope that I’ll never be a child prodigy, be it in a realistic sense (mathematical genius), or a semi-realistic one, ala Harry potter or Percy Jackson. And now that I’m of the drinking age, and I still don’t resemble any of the cast from any College drama, this sorta debunks hopes of future developments of light-sabers. Its just sad that reality pales in comparison to reel-ality. Apart from reality always being HD, unless your spectacle prescription’s a tad off. But then again, I’ve always favoured plot over cinematography, so sigh for being a cynic.
But this post is actually meant to tackle a larger topic. I think wanting to tackle larger topics is part of being 18. I find myself complicating things more than I usually do. I guess that’s consoling, since it means at least one part of my body is growing. But yea, this post is meant to tackle my faith, and my contemplations on it.
I’m pretty sure its what’s keeping me up, but I’ll leave that for later. The thing is, I’m a Christian, since about 12 and I’m proud of it. I serve ardently in church, I’m also a regular. However, my spiritual growth is lacking, and I feel it. I admit I haven’t been reading my bible regularly, and I’ve been praying lesser than I used to. And I guess that’s part of it, but I think there’s another reason.
I’ve been struggling with the question of existentialism alot lately. I’m horrible with philosophical terms, but to my personal definition, Existentialism is asking why we exist, and whether morality exists, and whether God exists. I’ve cross referenced it to Google, not sure if I’m right, but I shan’t bother with the jargon. But yea, I think I need a lighter hobby.
But anyhoo, I’ve thought a lot about it, and last year, for a week I decided that I might have turned into an Atheist. I looked at the condition of the world, the hopelessness that death portrayed, the theory of evolution, and I decided that contrary to what I believed in, there might actually be no God. That resulted in a few panic attacks, as well as Muse’s “Thoughts of a Dying Atheist” playing in my head alot. That wasn’t fun.
“All thinking men are atheists.” — Ernest Hemingway
Then I came across the term Agnostic. And I thought about whether I was Agnostic. Agnostics believe in a God, but they don’t believe that any book or religion on the Earth can explain God.
“Agnostic. Lazy Man’s Atheism.”- Pierce Hawkthorne, Community
And after strong contemplation, I’m pretty sure I believe in a God. Whether or not its the one I read in the bible, or in other people’s bible, at this point doesn’t matter. To me, God exists. Why? I guess its the usual creationist explanation. Because nature is too Awe inspiring to not be a work of a greater force. I know I’m going against great minds such as Richard Dawkins, and Steven Hawkings, and tons of other irate youtubers skulking christian videos, but I’m pretty backed up by other thinkers such as Albert Einstein, and C.S Lewis, and Jesus. The thing is, if the Big Bang Theory is still a theory, and evolution still isnt solidified, why can’t a God exist? Heck, even if the Big Bang Theory is proven to be true, God might have still created it. The point is that being optimistic about anything has never hurt anyone. And I believe in a God, because though my faith is lacking now, the point is that there were points in my life that I did feel like things were an act of divine intervention. That’s not a sign of weakness, but rather a sign of humility. A point that humans aren’t the greatest things that walked the earth. We still commit unthinkable things and do evils that are clearly wrong. I guess thats also my take on morality as well. Morality exists.
So its down to a question of religion. I know that God exists, but how do I know its the same God I worship? How do I know God has a son named Jesus, and that He died on the cross for our sins? I find it hard to throw it all to faith even though that’s mostly a point of religion, it being a faith. And I guess that’s where I’m finding it hard to take.
I’ve been struggling with this since last year, and I’m starting to find it harder to keep it in. At first I was afraid of telling others because I felt that by doing so I might be stumbling other Christian friends in their faith, but after thinking about it, I’ve realised that it was not about that. Rather it was more about being ashamed of my personal views, and growth as a person. I was afraid others would judge me by my faith, and my ideas. But I’ve come to realise that if i dont tell others about my beliefs or faith, that would mean that I effectively believe in nothing. That i hold no opinions on anything. When I really do. I might be tired thinking of which stand I should take, when in actual fact I’ve incarcerated myself in my own insecurities and fears.
So today, I’m clearing the air. I believe in a God. I’m not sure whether the God I believe in is the one to go to church to meet, but thats alright for now. I believe in morality. That people are capable of doing both good or evil. I believe that you do not require a religion to discern good from bad, and vice versa. And even though, in this definition, I am agnostic, I am doing my best to be a spiritual agnostic. I attend church regularly, and I pray to a higher being. I live by a set of moral laws not just because I’m part of any religion, but because I live and love others like me and want them to be able to live alongside me harmoniously. I’m doing my best to understand Christianity again and accept Christ as my risen Lord and Saviour, but that much is up to me, and I guess my church members who support me. 🙂 And God of course *chuckles*.
I somehow feel much more liberated announcing this. I think the bottom line is that everyone in this world, be it religious or not, just wants to be in a community of people who are like them. Who can Love, who can be honest, who can do good as much as they sometimes do bad. And to me, that matters the most. Whether or not we get to heaven, thats a different issue, but all I know is I want to be a good person and I think that’s hard enough, don’t you?
There’s one more question though. If I’m agnostic, and God does exist, how does that even matter? He might not even have a hand in my fate, or whether I go to heaven, or anything. Well, I was having my atheist panic attack just an hour ago, and I decided to pray, and somehow, I felt slightly better knowing that there might be something listening to me. And the fact that I felt prompted to get up and type something sorta hints something doesn’t it? You call it coincidence. I call it divine intervention.
So I guess i will publish this post after all!
Till next time then.